Harvey Milk Journals
November 18th
I am amazed.
Leo Ryan was shot today down in Guyana. He went there to visit Jonestown, where members of the Peoples Temple lived, and somebody opened fire when he was trying to leave. I don’t think there’s a lot of information yet, but I hope it’s just a big mistake.
My whole day is a blur now; I can’t get this off my mind.
I knew the Peoples Temple was dangerous. I don’t know what Leo did that angered them, but I wish he’d been able to get out sooner and avoid this fate. He didn’t deserve it.
I’ve worked with these people before. They didn’t seem all that strange – they’re just people looking for something good to believe in. Jim gave them the hope they were asking for, and so they followed him everywhere. He’s helped me, and I accepted his support for my campaign two years ago, but deep down, I always thought there was too much power in that group. I didn’t want to get closer than I was.
Still, they did so many great things for people. I didn’t want to believe it when people said there was some bad stuff happening down there. I thought it was just a bunch of rumours, I was sure people were fine but their families just missed them. I guess there’s more to it than I thought.
November 19th
More, indeed.
News came from Guyana today. Everyone is dead. Not just Leo, not just his crew. All the Temple members.
I can’t believe it. They all died together. Bodies lined up all around Jonestown. When I think about it, it feels like my stomach starts to claw up my throat. That whole community was a symbol of hope and power in a common belief, and now that’s all dead.
I was watching Saturday Night Live last night, trying to get my mind off Leo and everything that’s been happening lately. It didn’t work so well, but they were singing about being a ‘Soul Man’. I know they probably meant soul music, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it means to be a soul man. Is it doing good for as many people as you can? Does it have to do with conscience? Or is it something within yourself that someone has to define personally?
Maybe it just would mean that a man has a soul. But then, what does that even mean?
I know God lends us a soul to use for all our lives, but I never understood what it’s for. I hope I’m using mine properly.
I guess all those people lost their souls yesterday. Wherever they were hoping to go, I really want them to make it there. I hope this was worth it.
November 20th
I didn’t go through the mail all weekend. Two more death threats. They’ve become predictable, and I’m sure I’ve gotten this guy’s before. Still, it reads like a horn blown, like a blast in my ear. As if I’d feel his spittle against my cheeks if he was saying this right in front of my face.
I’ll get you.
A lot of these letters seem to include Or elses, but he prefers I’ll get you.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I don’t know when, or how, but I know someday I will be killed. Assassinated. As much as I want to change it, as much as I try, people aren’t ready for a gay activist. I know it. I try to ignore it. It’s hard.
The death toll has risen. They’ve been counting the bodies, and they’re up in the hundreds.
Mothers. Fathers. Grandmothers. Grandfathers. Aunts. Uncles. Little kids, who will never grow up to become mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, or uncles.
It’s strange to be so accepting of my own life’s frailty, but to be so blown away by things like this. I’m at peace with my own mortality, but these people should’ve never had to face their own death.
I’m not looking for salvation or for something to believe in, something to live for. I’ve found something worth dying for. I’m trying to change the hell we live in, not to find heaven on earth. All these people wanted was a heaven on earth. They were promised a heaven on earth. They were told there was no heaven up there, now where will they go? Are they doomed to forever roam as invisible zombies?
I remember seeing Night of the Living Dead a couple of years ago. I can’t imagine that whole movie becoming a morbid reality that I can’t even see all around me.
When I heard Leo got shot, I thought that was a tragedy. Tragedy has reached a whole new level.
November 21st
It’s raining today. Not too hard, but enough that I really wish I didn’t have to leave the house. I woke up early because I couldn’t sleep, and I think I stared out the window for a good twenty minutes before I decided to get out of bed.
Normally I don’t mind the rain, but when I woke up it was still dark and foggy. The sky and I were both drained of our energy, and the weather’s mood fit mine all too well.
The apartment feels empty, and not just because Jack is gone. I’ve lived alone before, but I’ve never felt alone.
If I tell myself things will get better, they will. I just have to start trying.
November 22nd
I think last year around this time there was a big rainstorm. It rained so hard, all we did was sit in the camera shop and watch people dancing in the middle of Castro Street. I miss living there sometimes, that street was filled with so much life and fun. I’m just around the corner, but I still feel like I’m away from all the action.
I always thought the street fair should happen more than once a year. All the music and chatter and dancing and smiles. Everywhere, smiles. Everything was perfect. Everyone was there and happy and alive.
I saw the movie Grease a few months ago at the Castro Theater with Scott Smith, Jack Liro, and Dan Nicoletta, and the songs are still stuck in my head. I remember looking over at Dan and just seeing his smile lighting up the darkness. He’s so much different now than when I first met him.
In some ways, he was always such a shy kid, but in the theater I realized he’s changed. This is somebody who I know that is talented and beautiful, and he is smiling because he’s with us and he’s happy. I felt like I created that happiness in him. I’ve created his ability to throw his head back and laugh and to chase his dreams and to believe that anything is possible for him. I know I’ve changed people’s lives as a Supervisor and maybe as a person alone, but I’d never realized just how much I could really do for someone like Dan.
At that moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more proud of myself.
November 23rd
I had dinner with Scott tonight. He didn’t get a turkey before they all sold out so we had chicken instead.
I think last year was the only year in the longest time that we didn’t have Thanksgiving dinner together. I remember the one year we just had soup because that’s all that was left in the apartment. It was tomato, probably the least Thanksgivingy soup you could have. We didn’t go out much that whole week. Oklahoma! was on television one day, and after that was something else, and then something else. We ignored the clocks and stayed up until our eyelids felt so heavy they might fall off our faces and when we woke up we didn’t know if the clock meant am or pm.
I feel too old to stay up like that anymore. Sometimes I find myself crawling into bed at 9, telling myself that I couldn’t possibly miss anything important if I go to sleep early because all the sane people were sleeping already.
I could never imagine myself this old. I’m almost 50. I don’t feel 50, most of the time. Judging by the way I just ate that chicken, I don’t worry about cholesterol or anything that older people seem to obsess over. Still, most of the people I know seem to be younger than I am. Maybe I should get them to teach me how to be young again; I feel like I need to re-learn.
November 24th
I never read Darwin’s paper on the Origin of Species – I don’t think that many people actually have – but I think a lot of it is about his theory of natural selection. I’ve always wondered how true this theory was, and what it could apply to.
Natural selection is when one type of something grows or shrinks in number because of difficulties resulting from the diversity of species, basically. So, I guess this could apply to different types of humans, couldn’t it?
So what about homosexuality? I wonder if natural selection plays a part in gay culture. Gays are disrespected all over the world, beat and killed and people are afraid to be a part of that.
On the other hand, the disrespect forces us to be strong and inspires people to come forth and fight for the cause. The idea of African Americans pretending they’re not black is ridiculous, and if they had tried to do that instead of fighting for freedom, the United States would still be dependent on slavery today.
So trying to blend in will get us nowhere. Sure, it may eliminate the idea of natural selection in that sense, but it would also eliminate us as an entity and we would be powerless.
November 25th
I read somewhere that the time card clock was patented 90 years ago this month. It’s incredible how much power this little machine has. People feel they owe a duty to it. They only care what that little card says. They rush to punch in on time, and then when the shift is over they punch out and forget everything. It orchestrates so many people’s lives.
But at least they get to clock out at the end of the day.
I feel like every day I bring my work home with me. Nothing is ever finished. It’s an ongoing battle. I think I understand how Jack felt; I had no time for him. My heart still aches to think I’m the reason he’s gone now. All he wanted was for me to forget about work so I could cook him dinner and we could fall asleep together.
It was the choice between helping him and helping all of San Francisco. As much as I loved him – and still do – he knew I couldn’t choose him. The Castro needed hope, and they needed someone to give them hope because they couldn’t find it on their own.
I’m sorry, Jack.
November 26th
Robert and Audrey are getting back from their vacation today. They went to Florida for their 24th anniversary. It seems like so long ago that they got married. I know it was their special day, but I still felt pretty important. Best man at my brother’s wedding, that’s a big deal for a lot of people. I wonder if he’s disappointed that he won’t get to be a best man for his brother.
I remember mom and dad were so happy and proud of him. Mom was wearing a big pink flower on her shoulder and long white gloves. I bet she felt fancy. I think that was the only time I saw dad in a cummerbund.
Audrey looked beautiful, her dress dipped off her shoulders and she was smiling so wide the whole day. She told me that she was so nervous to be professing her love in front of all her family and friends. I guess that would be pretty scary for some people.
I feel like I do that all the time though, so I probably wouldn’t be so nervous if I got married. Every time I stand up on a podium, I tell everyone that I love men. Maybe it’s not always a specific person, but it still is bound to stir up some controversy.
Nobody should be judging the people who are getting married when they name the person they love. It shouldn’t be any different in any other situation.
There’s a meeting tomorrow night. I’m not sure what’s on the agenda. I know Dan White is hoping to get his job back. Why did he leave it in the first place if he was just going to ask for it back? He said he didn’t make enough money, but leaving a job and then coming back to it is just getting yourself further away from a higher salary.
I’m not sure that they want him back anyway.
I am amazed.
Leo Ryan was shot today down in Guyana. He went there to visit Jonestown, where members of the Peoples Temple lived, and somebody opened fire when he was trying to leave. I don’t think there’s a lot of information yet, but I hope it’s just a big mistake.
My whole day is a blur now; I can’t get this off my mind.
I knew the Peoples Temple was dangerous. I don’t know what Leo did that angered them, but I wish he’d been able to get out sooner and avoid this fate. He didn’t deserve it.
I’ve worked with these people before. They didn’t seem all that strange – they’re just people looking for something good to believe in. Jim gave them the hope they were asking for, and so they followed him everywhere. He’s helped me, and I accepted his support for my campaign two years ago, but deep down, I always thought there was too much power in that group. I didn’t want to get closer than I was.
Still, they did so many great things for people. I didn’t want to believe it when people said there was some bad stuff happening down there. I thought it was just a bunch of rumours, I was sure people were fine but their families just missed them. I guess there’s more to it than I thought.
November 19th
More, indeed.
News came from Guyana today. Everyone is dead. Not just Leo, not just his crew. All the Temple members.
I can’t believe it. They all died together. Bodies lined up all around Jonestown. When I think about it, it feels like my stomach starts to claw up my throat. That whole community was a symbol of hope and power in a common belief, and now that’s all dead.
I was watching Saturday Night Live last night, trying to get my mind off Leo and everything that’s been happening lately. It didn’t work so well, but they were singing about being a ‘Soul Man’. I know they probably meant soul music, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it means to be a soul man. Is it doing good for as many people as you can? Does it have to do with conscience? Or is it something within yourself that someone has to define personally?
Maybe it just would mean that a man has a soul. But then, what does that even mean?
I know God lends us a soul to use for all our lives, but I never understood what it’s for. I hope I’m using mine properly.
I guess all those people lost their souls yesterday. Wherever they were hoping to go, I really want them to make it there. I hope this was worth it.
November 20th
I didn’t go through the mail all weekend. Two more death threats. They’ve become predictable, and I’m sure I’ve gotten this guy’s before. Still, it reads like a horn blown, like a blast in my ear. As if I’d feel his spittle against my cheeks if he was saying this right in front of my face.
I’ll get you.
A lot of these letters seem to include Or elses, but he prefers I’ll get you.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I don’t know when, or how, but I know someday I will be killed. Assassinated. As much as I want to change it, as much as I try, people aren’t ready for a gay activist. I know it. I try to ignore it. It’s hard.
The death toll has risen. They’ve been counting the bodies, and they’re up in the hundreds.
Mothers. Fathers. Grandmothers. Grandfathers. Aunts. Uncles. Little kids, who will never grow up to become mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, or uncles.
It’s strange to be so accepting of my own life’s frailty, but to be so blown away by things like this. I’m at peace with my own mortality, but these people should’ve never had to face their own death.
I’m not looking for salvation or for something to believe in, something to live for. I’ve found something worth dying for. I’m trying to change the hell we live in, not to find heaven on earth. All these people wanted was a heaven on earth. They were promised a heaven on earth. They were told there was no heaven up there, now where will they go? Are they doomed to forever roam as invisible zombies?
I remember seeing Night of the Living Dead a couple of years ago. I can’t imagine that whole movie becoming a morbid reality that I can’t even see all around me.
When I heard Leo got shot, I thought that was a tragedy. Tragedy has reached a whole new level.
November 21st
It’s raining today. Not too hard, but enough that I really wish I didn’t have to leave the house. I woke up early because I couldn’t sleep, and I think I stared out the window for a good twenty minutes before I decided to get out of bed.
Normally I don’t mind the rain, but when I woke up it was still dark and foggy. The sky and I were both drained of our energy, and the weather’s mood fit mine all too well.
The apartment feels empty, and not just because Jack is gone. I’ve lived alone before, but I’ve never felt alone.
If I tell myself things will get better, they will. I just have to start trying.
November 22nd
I think last year around this time there was a big rainstorm. It rained so hard, all we did was sit in the camera shop and watch people dancing in the middle of Castro Street. I miss living there sometimes, that street was filled with so much life and fun. I’m just around the corner, but I still feel like I’m away from all the action.
I always thought the street fair should happen more than once a year. All the music and chatter and dancing and smiles. Everywhere, smiles. Everything was perfect. Everyone was there and happy and alive.
I saw the movie Grease a few months ago at the Castro Theater with Scott Smith, Jack Liro, and Dan Nicoletta, and the songs are still stuck in my head. I remember looking over at Dan and just seeing his smile lighting up the darkness. He’s so much different now than when I first met him.
In some ways, he was always such a shy kid, but in the theater I realized he’s changed. This is somebody who I know that is talented and beautiful, and he is smiling because he’s with us and he’s happy. I felt like I created that happiness in him. I’ve created his ability to throw his head back and laugh and to chase his dreams and to believe that anything is possible for him. I know I’ve changed people’s lives as a Supervisor and maybe as a person alone, but I’d never realized just how much I could really do for someone like Dan.
At that moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more proud of myself.
November 23rd
I had dinner with Scott tonight. He didn’t get a turkey before they all sold out so we had chicken instead.
I think last year was the only year in the longest time that we didn’t have Thanksgiving dinner together. I remember the one year we just had soup because that’s all that was left in the apartment. It was tomato, probably the least Thanksgivingy soup you could have. We didn’t go out much that whole week. Oklahoma! was on television one day, and after that was something else, and then something else. We ignored the clocks and stayed up until our eyelids felt so heavy they might fall off our faces and when we woke up we didn’t know if the clock meant am or pm.
I feel too old to stay up like that anymore. Sometimes I find myself crawling into bed at 9, telling myself that I couldn’t possibly miss anything important if I go to sleep early because all the sane people were sleeping already.
I could never imagine myself this old. I’m almost 50. I don’t feel 50, most of the time. Judging by the way I just ate that chicken, I don’t worry about cholesterol or anything that older people seem to obsess over. Still, most of the people I know seem to be younger than I am. Maybe I should get them to teach me how to be young again; I feel like I need to re-learn.
November 24th
I never read Darwin’s paper on the Origin of Species – I don’t think that many people actually have – but I think a lot of it is about his theory of natural selection. I’ve always wondered how true this theory was, and what it could apply to.
Natural selection is when one type of something grows or shrinks in number because of difficulties resulting from the diversity of species, basically. So, I guess this could apply to different types of humans, couldn’t it?
So what about homosexuality? I wonder if natural selection plays a part in gay culture. Gays are disrespected all over the world, beat and killed and people are afraid to be a part of that.
On the other hand, the disrespect forces us to be strong and inspires people to come forth and fight for the cause. The idea of African Americans pretending they’re not black is ridiculous, and if they had tried to do that instead of fighting for freedom, the United States would still be dependent on slavery today.
So trying to blend in will get us nowhere. Sure, it may eliminate the idea of natural selection in that sense, but it would also eliminate us as an entity and we would be powerless.
November 25th
I read somewhere that the time card clock was patented 90 years ago this month. It’s incredible how much power this little machine has. People feel they owe a duty to it. They only care what that little card says. They rush to punch in on time, and then when the shift is over they punch out and forget everything. It orchestrates so many people’s lives.
But at least they get to clock out at the end of the day.
I feel like every day I bring my work home with me. Nothing is ever finished. It’s an ongoing battle. I think I understand how Jack felt; I had no time for him. My heart still aches to think I’m the reason he’s gone now. All he wanted was for me to forget about work so I could cook him dinner and we could fall asleep together.
It was the choice between helping him and helping all of San Francisco. As much as I loved him – and still do – he knew I couldn’t choose him. The Castro needed hope, and they needed someone to give them hope because they couldn’t find it on their own.
I’m sorry, Jack.
November 26th
Robert and Audrey are getting back from their vacation today. They went to Florida for their 24th anniversary. It seems like so long ago that they got married. I know it was their special day, but I still felt pretty important. Best man at my brother’s wedding, that’s a big deal for a lot of people. I wonder if he’s disappointed that he won’t get to be a best man for his brother.
I remember mom and dad were so happy and proud of him. Mom was wearing a big pink flower on her shoulder and long white gloves. I bet she felt fancy. I think that was the only time I saw dad in a cummerbund.
Audrey looked beautiful, her dress dipped off her shoulders and she was smiling so wide the whole day. She told me that she was so nervous to be professing her love in front of all her family and friends. I guess that would be pretty scary for some people.
I feel like I do that all the time though, so I probably wouldn’t be so nervous if I got married. Every time I stand up on a podium, I tell everyone that I love men. Maybe it’s not always a specific person, but it still is bound to stir up some controversy.
Nobody should be judging the people who are getting married when they name the person they love. It shouldn’t be any different in any other situation.
There’s a meeting tomorrow night. I’m not sure what’s on the agenda. I know Dan White is hoping to get his job back. Why did he leave it in the first place if he was just going to ask for it back? He said he didn’t make enough money, but leaving a job and then coming back to it is just getting yourself further away from a higher salary.
I’m not sure that they want him back anyway.